Hi everyone,
So, let's give this a go!
Here is a poem I would really appreciate feedback on. It is a villanelle and I'd really like to know what you think and where I could improve it. I have thought of an alternative to line 3 -?
¡¤????????His handsome head hung sad since worlds began.
...but I think I am veering towards the original. What do you think? What about the half rhymes...do they work okay? I'm also wondering if it's clear what it's about...
Any thoughts and comments gratefully received!
Thank you
xx
Pete's Sunflower
?
He was a sweet and heavy-burden man,
traipsing slow burn, as dawn across the floor.
His handsome head gazed sad since worlds began.
?
Gravid with a life full borne. ?His dead pan
dignified grace shewed, all agreed, at core,
he was a sweet and heavy-burden man.
?
He bent and furrowed, seed in gentle hand.
Companion true to life¡¯s longing. In awe
his handsome head gazed sad since worlds began.
?
A full-swelled bloom grew, faith to nature¡¯s plan,
laden, reaching up as he dragged down, for
he was a sweet and heavy-burden man.
?
Pete¡¯s body had lain long in graven land
when cumbrous gilt was fain to stoop. No more
his handsome head gazed sad since worlds began.
?
With autumn sigh, it fell to hoar earth and
scattered seeds as memory dreams before.
He was a sweet and heavy-burden man.
His handsome head gazed sad since worlds began.
?
