Hi everyone,
So, let's give this a go!
Here is a poem I would really appreciate feedback on. It is a villanelle and I'd really like to know what you think and where I could improve it. I have thought of an alternative to line 3 -?

·????????His handsome head hung sad since worlds began.
...but I think I am veering towards the original. What do you think? What about the half rhymes...do they work okay? I'm also wondering if it's clear what it's about...
Any thoughts and comments gratefully received!
Thank you
xx

Pete's Sunflower

?

He was a sweet and heavy-burden man,

traipsing slow burn, as dawn across the floor.

His handsome head gazed sad since worlds began.

?

Gravid with a life full borne. ?His dead pan

dignified grace shewed, all agreed, at core,

he was a sweet and heavy-burden man.

?

He bent and furrowed, seed in gentle hand.

Companion true to life’s longing. In awe

his handsome head gazed sad since worlds began.

?

A full-swelled bloom grew, faith to nature’s plan,

laden, reaching up as he dragged down, for

he was a sweet and heavy-burden man.

?

Pete’s body had lain long in graven land

when cumbrous gilt was fain to stoop. No more

his handsome head gazed sad since worlds began.

?

With autumn sigh, it fell to hoar earth and

scattered seeds as memory dreams before.

He was a sweet and heavy-burden man.

His handsome head gazed sad since worlds began.

?

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Hi Fiona,

Thanks so much Pam! I kind of felt 'gazed' was better but wasn't sure why - I like the idea of a new angle. For me it just suited Pete better, but I wasn't sure how it sat in a poem! Thank you!?

1.

To me, the poem tells of the life of a solid dependable man, whose spirit is in the sunflower he tended, and how it grew out of his efforts, and in a way took on his energy and became him , growing tall and standing for his efforts in a difficult world. If this analysis is correct, then one could give more attention to the difficult world that the man and the sunflower grew up in, and also how the sunflower grew ou t of this challenging environment and won in the end, growing big and string and huge and yellow as the dawn.

?

2.

The half rhymes: line endings –and or –an.

They don’t jar, but it does mean that he poem loses power. When this occurs, it is almost as though the poem changes gear and mood. I presume you don’t want it to.

This loss of power is especially noticeable at the gather on line 16. It’s as though we are waiting to hear something and then it changes away. Rhymes echo and build mood. If you want this change - Ok, but I suspect you want to keep it tight and controlled.

?

3.

?Line 3 the word ‘gazed’ is better than the alliterative h’s in the alternative new line 3 proposed.

?

4. It scans beautifully most of the time but slows and jars the reader on line 8 “...companion true to life’s longing...’ hasn’t got the same rhythm as the other middle line in the triplets.

Same is true with line? ...’dignified grace shewed....’

?

叠耻迟’? ...laden, reaching up as he dragged down..’ obeys the musicality of the pattern with two short stress at the beginning of the line rather than long stresses which you have written in some places.

?

5. Well done. Let’s have another.

Stuart Larner

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Hi pam

an interesting piece. Full marks for attempting this difficult form.

here are my comments for what they are worth.

1.

To me, the poem tells of the life of a solid dependable man, whose spirit is in the sunflower he tended, and how it grew out of his efforts, and in a way took on his energy and became him , growing tall and standing for his efforts in a difficult world. If this analysis is correct, then one could give more attention to the difficult world that the man and the sunflower grew up in, and also how the sunflower grew ou t of this challenging environment and won in the end, growing big and string and huge and yellow as the dawn.

?

2.

The half rhymes: line endings –and or –an.

They don’t jar, but it does mean that he poem loses power. When this occurs, it is almost as though the poem changes gear and mood. I presume you don’t want it to.

This loss of power is especially noticeable at the gather on line 16. It’s as though we are waiting to hear something and then it changes away. Rhymes echo and build mood. If you want this change - Ok, but I suspect you want to keep it tight and controlled.

?

3.

?Line 3 the word ‘gazed’ is better than the alliterative h’s in the alternative new line 3 proposed.

?

4. It scans beautifully most of the time but slows and jars the reader on line 8 “...companion true to life’s longing...’ hasn’t got the same rhythm as the other middle line in the triplets.

Same is true with line? ...’dignified grace shewed....’

?

叠耻迟’? ...laden, reaching up as he dragged down..’ obeys the musicality of the pattern with two short stress at the beginning of the line rather than long stresses which you have written in some places.

?

5. Well done. Let’s have another.

Stuart Larner

@StuartLarner 

Thanks Stuart! You've made some really useful comments...I'm not much of a poet really and your comments have taught me loads about what I'm trying to do! Thank you so much for taking the time to do this.

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Hi Fiona
Like the other Pam, I'm not a poet. I really liked the conjuring up of mood (a sort of sweet melancholy) and found the rhythm and repetition of the vilanelle form very elegant and quite hypnotic. The parallels between Pete and his sunflower came across clearly. I wasn't 100% sure of the meaning of a couple of the more archaic words, but this I don't think this matters - probably added to the atmosphere. Likewise, it wasn't clear to me why you use burden not burdened. But overall, I was swept away by the feel of it.
Thanks for sharing this.
Pam

Hi Pam,
Thanks so much for your comments...I often think I get a bit pompous with my words, but somehow I thought they fitted in this. Or maybe I'm just trying to avoid having to find alternatives as it was already flippin' challenging!!! Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment!?