Hi Pam and Fiona
i've had another good look at this.?
I've been able to incorporate some of your suggestions, but the big one about changing the voice would be difficult. It is a monologue so all that sort of thing, questioning and answering, would be up to the actor.
thanks for your very kind and perceptive insights

Stuart Larner

Hi Stuart

I enjoyed reading this, unusual and clever and I liked the form. Though I agree with Fiona, it works best when it’s in the less static conversational style. I don’t think there’s many sections where it isn’t in this format, so I wouldn’t have thought it needed a big change that would shift focus from the fly. I just wanted the fly's comments to the spider to be more direct occasionally, eg where Fiona identified and “They could also be a doorbell to let you know when you have a visitor. You say they are a new kind of furniture and to try them? “

Small points:

I wonder if “Little do they know where I’d come from today.” would be clearer if it was “did” not “do”?

I thought using the word “struggle” implies the fly is getting a bit worried/anxious, and I don’t think she is meant to be at that stage? You could just stick with “try to shift about”.

She didn’t realise how tired she was at the beginning, and suddenly feels very tired at the end – maybe use “completely exhausted” at the end so it’s more of a shift?

Thanks for another entertaining piece and for giving me a new insight into the fly (as a student, I had to do a particularly gruesome experiment with a fly, and deserve every disease they choose to give me).

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Pam

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Hi Fiona

thanks for looking at this.

I know what you mean about introducing more flow between the characters. Someone else mentioned this some time ago as well. I did examine this point,but found that it would lose focus if I did it that way. Thanks for suggesting it.

Glad you liked it. It wasn't too gruesome, I hope? I did submit it to an anthology of writings on spiders, but they rejected it . I think it was too off-topic for them because it was about the fly mainly, and they're very protective of their spider mark. Then other people said it was bang on topic. Huh! Shows you different people's opinions . Different editors don't know what they want and can't express it. That's why they're editors, not writers. (sorry for rant/ hobby horse) :-)

Stuart

@Stuart Larner 

This is kind of great and kind of very ugh at the same time! I hate to think where your head was at when you were writing it - haha!?
You've set yourself a real challenge, writing it as a monologue in the second person, and I think it works well. I wonder if you could make it a little more conversational...currently it seems to veer from conversational and monologuiacal (I just invented that word!) and I wonder if it would be better if it was more one than the other? For example,?
I suppose you’re of the view that if you stay in one place long enough, the world comes to you.
you could say something like:
What? Oh, yes, well I suppose you've got a point. If I stayed in one place long enough, perhaps the world would just come to me."
Anyway, just a thought to play around with or ignore!?
Gruesome!! Well done!
Best wishes,
Fiona?

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Can I start the ball rolling again with a piece of prose for your comments?

thanks

Stuart

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A Web Chat

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Wow! Those strands catch the light, giving each a rainbow. How beautiful!

I buzz in here every day on patrol from the poo piles in the park. I didn’t see it yesterday, so you must have put it up overnight.

Your display has certainly brightened up the broken window in the corner of this old shed. A pleasure to fly by.

It looks so delicate that I hardly dare touch it. But, may I?

Oh, it’s still a bit wet. Is it supposed to be sticky like this?

The strands vibrate at my touch. They could also be a doorbell to let you know when you have a visitor. You say they are a new kind of furniture and to try them? For sitting on?

Ah, that’s comfortable. And you know the stickiness of them really relaxes you. I feel as though I weigh nothing at all. Been here a matter of seconds and I don’t want to get up and fly away. I didn’t realise how tired I was.

I’m up at first light, and do town in the morning. The drunk’s pavement vomit is morning sickness for my babies to suck on. Afterwards I’ll go around the food shops to see if there’s anything that takes my fancy to settle on.

Then, it’s off to the park.

In fact, I’ve just come from laying some eggs in some dog poo in the park. It was still quite warm so my little darlings should hatch quite quickly.

Trouble is, there’s not as much dog muck as there used to be since the council put up those notices. It’s having an effect on our population.

My next call was the house. It’s always a good work out in there. Taunting people and flying close to their faces, or landing on their knee. It makes them mad when they miss me and smack themselves! I just whizz away and laugh.

Mmm, I just fancied some fresh buttered toast to wipe my feet on. Nice and hot and squelchy.

Little do they know where I’d come from today.

I’m a bad lot. Yesterday I came straight in from the dog mess and landed on ?someone’s boiled egg.

They didn’t notice, and just ate it. A little while afterwards they rushed to the loo.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t help it.

I’ve not always been a tough bug. It all started when I was a young maggot. I was picked up by a fisherman at the pond in the park. He was going to spear me but missed. I wriggled away with only a slight nick and grew up under some leaves.

That’s humans for you. Nasty creatures. Think they own the planet.

I vowed to get my own back on them. So now I wipe my feet on horrible spludge and fly into their houses, spreading as much disease as possible. I’m entitled to. Don’t you agree?

I’m talking and really buzzing now.

I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. It’s because you’re a good listener and very patient. You must wait around for days before you see anyone.

I’m an expert on the world. Been most places.? I suppose you’re of the view that if you stay in one place long enough, the world comes to you.

You’ve got this place just right. It’s really relaxing here. The more I struggle and try to shift about, the more relaxed and set in one position I get.

Anyway, your display, what do you call it? A web? You know, on reflection, it’s all great, except that one little torn corner.

Sorry! I didn’t mean to offend you.

Oh no, please, I didn’t mean it when I said about the one corner being not very nice. I apologise.

It’s all nice. Really it is. It reminds me of a Spanish moor mosaic or possibly it’s of ?Indo-Arabic origin. I think you should put it in for an Arts prize.

No, don’t get annoyed now, please.

What do you mean, the world would be better off without critics like me?

You can’t believe that.???

Huh! I can see I’ve outstayed my welcome.

If you could just help me out of these strands. I seem to be caught. No, stop doing that. You’re wrapping me up more.

Actually, I was on my way to lunch. To see if there’s anything been left for me in the kitchen. If you help me to get out I can bring some back for you. I’ll fly straight back, honest.

What ? Stay for lunch here? You’re so kind. Oh, suddenly, I feel very tired. I don’t know what’s come over me. Perhaps I’ve been buzzing too much. ?So, on second thoughts, perhaps I will accept your invitation.

Err, what is for lunch actually?

Oh, it’s a surprise.

Oh, I love surprises, especially when it comes to food.

What have you got there? This is new. It looks like a long kind of nozzle. What did you say? It’s an appetising sauce? What a delicious idea! Go on, then. I’ll try anything once.

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850 words

@StuartLarner 

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Hi john

thanks

Stuart

@StuartLarner 

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There's a virtual online Literary Festival on at the moment. I've tuned in to a couple. They've been very good. I've seen a couple of you there.
here's the link:

This is basically Ok. thanks to Pam and Fiona. This is all Ok, but there could be a bit of flexibility in this for the future, depending on how we go.
?

Hello,

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• /Ground rules_e-critique group.docx

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The Groups.io Team

Hi Pam
thanks for your comments. You're right I took a gamble on a topical subject which is so angst-laden. But I thought if you've got to do something, then go for it. Fortunately, i got a bit of humour in there to soften the situation, which is what people do when passing/avoiding in the street at the moment.

Glad you liked it.
Stuart?

Thanks for this Stuart. I think it's brave to tackle the current situation as it could go wrong in so many ways, eg come across clumsily or glibly, but you really pulled it off. I had to read it a few times for it all to sink in, which I think is testament to its subtlety. My favourite phrases were "I became very fat" which made me smile, and "the heaviest nothing I ever had" which to me suggests both something you can't see dragging you down and the literal distancing sense. A really doom-laden line. And I also liked the cleverness of the title.
Pam

Hi Fiona?
thank you very much.You are very kind. it is most heartening to? feel that the poem has connected.
Stuart?

Oh my goodness this is stunning. It's a fantastic picture of the bafflement and discomfort we are feeling, thrust into this bizarre situation. I love the image of round, fat things meandering through the world, trying to connect, both to each other and to current reality. The bubble of space we are in now, seeming heavy - all of it, a brilliant image. That last bit, even that is so accurate - 'some part of us reaches through to the heart' - it's just vague and real, yes we do connect, but that physical space is really affecting everything...so it's not quite so certain as before. I love this! Thank you for sharing!

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Hi all

your opinion on my latest? poem please..

Two Meeters

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After the Prime Minister’s broadcast

I became very fat.

I measured a metre more all round.

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Going out, I wore

A giant ball of nothing.

The heaviest nothing I ever had.

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I smiled with others, learning how

To manage awkward nothings,

Each keeping a metre to make two.

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Though only our boundaries can meet

Nevertheless

Some part of us reaches through to the heart.

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Stuart Larner

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thanks

Stuart Larner

-- 



@StuartLarner 

Hi Pam,
Thanks so much for your comments...I often think I get a bit pompous with my words, but somehow I thought they fitted in this. Or maybe I'm just trying to avoid having to find alternatives as it was already flippin' challenging!!! Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment!?

Hi Fiona
Like the other Pam, I'm not a poet. I really liked the conjuring up of mood (a sort of sweet melancholy) and found the rhythm and repetition of the vilanelle form very elegant and quite hypnotic. The parallels between Pete and his sunflower came across clearly. I wasn't 100% sure of the meaning of a couple of the more archaic words, but this I don't think this matters - probably added to the atmosphere. Likewise, it wasn't clear to me why you use burden not burdened. But overall, I was swept away by the feel of it.
Thanks for sharing this.
Pam

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Thanks Stuart! You've made some really useful comments...I'm not much of a poet really and your comments have taught me loads about what I'm trying to do! Thank you so much for taking the time to do this.