Hi everyone,
So, let's give this a go!
Here is a poem I would really appreciate feedback on. It is a villanelle and I'd really like to know what you think and where I could improve it. I have thought of an alternative to line 3 -?

·????????His handsome head hung sad since worlds began.
...but I think I am veering towards the original. What do you think? What about the half rhymes...do they work okay? I'm also wondering if it's clear what it's about...
Any thoughts and comments gratefully received!
Thank you
xx

Pete's Sunflower

?

He was a sweet and heavy-burden man,

traipsing slow burn, as dawn across the floor.

His handsome head gazed sad since worlds began.

?

Gravid with a life full borne. ?His dead pan

dignified grace shewed, all agreed, at core,

he was a sweet and heavy-burden man.

?

He bent and furrowed, seed in gentle hand.

Companion true to life’s longing. In awe

his handsome head gazed sad since worlds began.

?

A full-swelled bloom grew, faith to nature’s plan,

laden, reaching up as he dragged down, for

he was a sweet and heavy-burden man.

?

Pete’s body had lain long in graven land

when cumbrous gilt was fain to stoop. No more

his handsome head gazed sad since worlds began.

?

With autumn sigh, it fell to hoar earth and

scattered seeds as memory dreams before.

He was a sweet and heavy-burden man.

His handsome head gazed sad since worlds began.

?

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Hi Fiona,

Thanks so much Pam! I kind of felt 'gazed' was better but wasn't sure why - I like the idea of a new angle. For me it just suited Pete better, but I wasn't sure how it sat in a poem! Thank you!?

1.

To me, the poem tells of the life of a solid dependable man, whose spirit is in the sunflower he tended, and how it grew out of his efforts, and in a way took on his energy and became him , growing tall and standing for his efforts in a difficult world. If this analysis is correct, then one could give more attention to the difficult world that the man and the sunflower grew up in, and also how the sunflower grew ou t of this challenging environment and won in the end, growing big and string and huge and yellow as the dawn.

?

2.

The half rhymes: line endings –and or –an.

They don’t jar, but it does mean that he poem loses power. When this occurs, it is almost as though the poem changes gear and mood. I presume you don’t want it to.

This loss of power is especially noticeable at the gather on line 16. It’s as though we are waiting to hear something and then it changes away. Rhymes echo and build mood. If you want this change - Ok, but I suspect you want to keep it tight and controlled.

?

3.

?Line 3 the word ‘gazed’ is better than the alliterative h’s in the alternative new line 3 proposed.

?

4. It scans beautifully most of the time but slows and jars the reader on line 8 “...companion true to life’s longing...’ hasn’t got the same rhythm as the other middle line in the triplets.

Same is true with line? ...’dignified grace shewed....’

?

叠耻迟’? ...laden, reaching up as he dragged down..’ obeys the musicality of the pattern with two short stress at the beginning of the line rather than long stresses which you have written in some places.

?

5. Well done. Let’s have another.

Stuart Larner

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Hi pam

an interesting piece. Full marks for attempting this difficult form.

here are my comments for what they are worth.

1.

To me, the poem tells of the life of a solid dependable man, whose spirit is in the sunflower he tended, and how it grew out of his efforts, and in a way took on his energy and became him , growing tall and standing for his efforts in a difficult world. If this analysis is correct, then one could give more attention to the difficult world that the man and the sunflower grew up in, and also how the sunflower grew ou t of this challenging environment and won in the end, growing big and string and huge and yellow as the dawn.

?

2.

The half rhymes: line endings –and or –an.

They don’t jar, but it does mean that he poem loses power. When this occurs, it is almost as though the poem changes gear and mood. I presume you don’t want it to.

This loss of power is especially noticeable at the gather on line 16. It’s as though we are waiting to hear something and then it changes away. Rhymes echo and build mood. If you want this change - Ok, but I suspect you want to keep it tight and controlled.

?

3.

?Line 3 the word ‘gazed’ is better than the alliterative h’s in the alternative new line 3 proposed.

?

4. It scans beautifully most of the time but slows and jars the reader on line 8 “...companion true to life’s longing...’ hasn’t got the same rhythm as the other middle line in the triplets.

Same is true with line? ...’dignified grace shewed....’

?

叠耻迟’? ...laden, reaching up as he dragged down..’ obeys the musicality of the pattern with two short stress at the beginning of the line rather than long stresses which you have written in some places.

?

5. Well done. Let’s have another.

Stuart Larner

@StuartLarner 

Thanks Stuart! You've made some really useful comments...I'm not much of a poet really and your comments have taught me loads about what I'm trying to do! Thank you so much for taking the time to do this.

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Hi Fiona
Like the other Pam, I'm not a poet. I really liked the conjuring up of mood (a sort of sweet melancholy) and found the rhythm and repetition of the vilanelle form very elegant and quite hypnotic. The parallels between Pete and his sunflower came across clearly. I wasn't 100% sure of the meaning of a couple of the more archaic words, but this I don't think this matters - probably added to the atmosphere. Likewise, it wasn't clear to me why you use burden not burdened. But overall, I was swept away by the feel of it.
Thanks for sharing this.
Pam

Hi Pam,
Thanks so much for your comments...I often think I get a bit pompous with my words, but somehow I thought they fitted in this. Or maybe I'm just trying to avoid having to find alternatives as it was already flippin' challenging!!! Thanks again for taking the time to read and comment!?

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Hi all

your opinion on my latest? poem please..

Two Meeters

?

After the Prime Minister’s broadcast

I became very fat.

I measured a metre more all round.

?

Going out, I wore

A giant ball of nothing.

The heaviest nothing I ever had.

?

I smiled with others, learning how

To manage awkward nothings,

Each keeping a metre to make two.

?

Though only our boundaries can meet

Nevertheless

Some part of us reaches through to the heart.

?

?

Stuart Larner

?

thanks

Stuart Larner

-- 



@StuartLarner 

Oh my goodness this is stunning. It's a fantastic picture of the bafflement and discomfort we are feeling, thrust into this bizarre situation. I love the image of round, fat things meandering through the world, trying to connect, both to each other and to current reality. The bubble of space we are in now, seeming heavy - all of it, a brilliant image. That last bit, even that is so accurate - 'some part of us reaches through to the heart' - it's just vague and real, yes we do connect, but that physical space is really affecting everything...so it's not quite so certain as before. I love this! Thank you for sharing!

Hi Fiona?
thank you very much.You are very kind. it is most heartening to? feel that the poem has connected.
Stuart?

Thanks for this Stuart. I think it's brave to tackle the current situation as it could go wrong in so many ways, eg come across clumsily or glibly, but you really pulled it off. I had to read it a few times for it all to sink in, which I think is testament to its subtlety. My favourite phrases were "I became very fat" which made me smile, and "the heaviest nothing I ever had" which to me suggests both something you can't see dragging you down and the literal distancing sense. A really doom-laden line. And I also liked the cleverness of the title.
Pam

Hi Pam
thanks for your comments. You're right I took a gamble on a topical subject which is so angst-laden. But I thought if you've got to do something, then go for it. Fortunately, i got a bit of humour in there to soften the situation, which is what people do when passing/avoiding in the street at the moment.

Glad you liked it.
Stuart?

Hello,

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Cheers,
The Groups.io Team

This is basically Ok. thanks to Pam and Fiona. This is all Ok, but there could be a bit of flexibility in this for the future, depending on how we go.
?

There's a virtual online Literary Festival on at the moment. I've tuned in to a couple. They've been very good. I've seen a couple of you there.
here's the link:

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