Hi Stuart
I enjoyed reading this, unusual and clever and I liked the form. Though I agree with Fiona, it works best when it¡¯s in the less static conversational style. I don¡¯t think there¡¯s many sections where it isn¡¯t in this format, so I wouldn¡¯t have thought it needed a big change that would shift focus from the fly. I just wanted the fly's comments to the spider to be more direct occasionally, eg where Fiona identified and ¡°They could also be a doorbell to let you know when you have a visitor. You say they are a new kind of furniture and to try them? ¡°
Small points:
I wonder if ¡°Little do they know where I¡¯d come from today.¡± would be clearer if it was ¡°did¡± not ¡°do¡±?
I thought using the word ¡°struggle¡± implies the fly is getting a bit worried/anxious, and I don¡¯t think she is meant to be at that stage? You could just stick with ¡°try to shift about¡±.
She didn¡¯t realise how tired she was at the beginning, and suddenly feels very tired at the end ¨C maybe use ¡°completely exhausted¡± at the end so it¡¯s more of a shift?
Thanks for another entertaining piece and for giving me a new insight into the fly (as a student, I had to do a particularly gruesome experiment with a fly, and deserve every disease they choose to give me).
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Pam
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Pam Hanley