开云体育

开云体育

Hi john

thanks

Stuart

@StuartLarner 

开云体育

Can I start the ball rolling again with a piece of prose for your comments?

thanks

Stuart

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A Web Chat

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Wow! Those strands catch the light, giving each a rainbow. How beautiful!

I buzz in here every day on patrol from the poo piles in the park. I didn’t see it yesterday, so you must have put it up overnight.

Your display has certainly brightened up the broken window in the corner of this old shed. A pleasure to fly by.

It looks so delicate that I hardly dare touch it. But, may I?

Oh, it’s still a bit wet. Is it supposed to be sticky like this?

The strands vibrate at my touch. They could also be a doorbell to let you know when you have a visitor. You say they are a new kind of furniture and to try them? For sitting on?

Ah, that’s comfortable. And you know the stickiness of them really relaxes you. I feel as though I weigh nothing at all. Been here a matter of seconds and I don’t want to get up and fly away. I didn’t realise how tired I was.

I’m up at first light, and do town in the morning. The drunk’s pavement vomit is morning sickness for my babies to suck on. Afterwards I’ll go around the food shops to see if there’s anything that takes my fancy to settle on.

Then, it’s off to the park.

In fact, I’ve just come from laying some eggs in some dog poo in the park. It was still quite warm so my little darlings should hatch quite quickly.

Trouble is, there’s not as much dog muck as there used to be since the council put up those notices. It’s having an effect on our population.

My next call was the house. It’s always a good work out in there. Taunting people and flying close to their faces, or landing on their knee. It makes them mad when they miss me and smack themselves! I just whizz away and laugh.

Mmm, I just fancied some fresh buttered toast to wipe my feet on. Nice and hot and squelchy.

Little do they know where I’d come from today.

I’m a bad lot. Yesterday I came straight in from the dog mess and landed on ?someone’s boiled egg.

They didn’t notice, and just ate it. A little while afterwards they rushed to the loo.

I’m sorry, but I just can’t help it.

I’ve not always been a tough bug. It all started when I was a young maggot. I was picked up by a fisherman at the pond in the park. He was going to spear me but missed. I wriggled away with only a slight nick and grew up under some leaves.

That’s humans for you. Nasty creatures. Think they own the planet.

I vowed to get my own back on them. So now I wipe my feet on horrible spludge and fly into their houses, spreading as much disease as possible. I’m entitled to. Don’t you agree?

I’m talking and really buzzing now.

I don’t know why I’m telling you all this. It’s because you’re a good listener and very patient. You must wait around for days before you see anyone.

I’m an expert on the world. Been most places.? I suppose you’re of the view that if you stay in one place long enough, the world comes to you.

You’ve got this place just right. It’s really relaxing here. The more I struggle and try to shift about, the more relaxed and set in one position I get.

Anyway, your display, what do you call it? A web? You know, on reflection, it’s all great, except that one little torn corner.

Sorry! I didn’t mean to offend you.

Oh no, please, I didn’t mean it when I said about the one corner being not very nice. I apologise.

It’s all nice. Really it is. It reminds me of a Spanish moor mosaic or possibly it’s of ?Indo-Arabic origin. I think you should put it in for an Arts prize.

No, don’t get annoyed now, please.

What do you mean, the world would be better off without critics like me?

You can’t believe that.???

Huh! I can see I’ve outstayed my welcome.

If you could just help me out of these strands. I seem to be caught. No, stop doing that. You’re wrapping me up more.

Actually, I was on my way to lunch. To see if there’s anything been left for me in the kitchen. If you help me to get out I can bring some back for you. I’ll fly straight back, honest.

What ? Stay for lunch here? You’re so kind. Oh, suddenly, I feel very tired. I don’t know what’s come over me. Perhaps I’ve been buzzing too much. ?So, on second thoughts, perhaps I will accept your invitation.

Err, what is for lunch actually?

Oh, it’s a surprise.

Oh, I love surprises, especially when it comes to food.

What have you got there? This is new. It looks like a long kind of nozzle. What did you say? It’s an appetising sauce? What a delicious idea! Go on, then. I’ll try anything once.

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850 words

@StuartLarner 

This is kind of great and kind of very ugh at the same time! I hate to think where your head was at when you were writing it - haha!?
You've set yourself a real challenge, writing it as a monologue in the second person, and I think it works well. I wonder if you could make it a little more conversational...currently it seems to veer from conversational and monologuiacal (I just invented that word!) and I wonder if it would be better if it was more one than the other? For example,?
I suppose you’re of the view that if you stay in one place long enough, the world comes to you.
you could say something like:
What? Oh, yes, well I suppose you've got a point. If I stayed in one place long enough, perhaps the world would just come to me."
Anyway, just a thought to play around with or ignore!?
Gruesome!! Well done!
Best wishes,
Fiona?

开云体育

Hi Fiona

thanks for looking at this.

I know what you mean about introducing more flow between the characters. Someone else mentioned this some time ago as well. I did examine this point,but found that it would lose focus if I did it that way. Thanks for suggesting it.

Glad you liked it. It wasn't too gruesome, I hope? I did submit it to an anthology of writings on spiders, but they rejected it . I think it was too off-topic for them because it was about the fly mainly, and they're very protective of their spider mark. Then other people said it was bang on topic. Huh! Shows you different people's opinions . Different editors don't know what they want and can't express it. That's why they're editors, not writers. (sorry for rant/ hobby horse) :-)

Stuart

@Stuart Larner 

Hi Stuart

I enjoyed reading this, unusual and clever and I liked the form. Though I agree with Fiona, it works best when it’s in the less static conversational style. I don’t think there’s many sections where it isn’t in this format, so I wouldn’t have thought it needed a big change that would shift focus from the fly. I just wanted the fly's comments to the spider to be more direct occasionally, eg where Fiona identified and “They could also be a doorbell to let you know when you have a visitor. You say they are a new kind of furniture and to try them? “

Small points:

I wonder if “Little do they know where I’d come from today.” would be clearer if it was “did” not “do”?

I thought using the word “struggle” implies the fly is getting a bit worried/anxious, and I don’t think she is meant to be at that stage? You could just stick with “try to shift about”.

She didn’t realise how tired she was at the beginning, and suddenly feels very tired at the end – maybe use “completely exhausted” at the end so it’s more of a shift?

Thanks for another entertaining piece and for giving me a new insight into the fly (as a student, I had to do a particularly gruesome experiment with a fly, and deserve every disease they choose to give me).

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Pam

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Hi Pam and Fiona
i've had another good look at this.?
I've been able to incorporate some of your suggestions, but the big one about changing the voice would be difficult. It is a monologue so all that sort of thing, questioning and answering, would be up to the actor.
thanks for your very kind and perceptive insights

Stuart Larner