Hi Lollizah,
I¡¯ve been reading and learning from this wonderful group for many years, but this is my first post. My kids are older now (17 and 15), but here are my thoughts.
The simple things, like who she wants to sit next to at dinner, might be great opportunities to loan her some of your power. Young kids have very little power to control their lives, so as an adult with much more power, you can share some of yours with her by allowing her to control things that are safe and reasonable. Arrange the chairs however she likes, make a game out of it (she could play ¡°duck duck goose¡± behind the chairs to show who she wants to sit next to, or musical chairs and she stops the music). Share your creativity and power to show her there are so many little ways to make things better and easier.
I¡¯m also wondering if the super angry outbursts (i.e. spitting and hitting) come immediately, or is there a ramp-up? In my personal experience, people usually turn up the volume only when they don¡¯t feel heard. When my kids were very young they would usually start softly with a request, then escalate if I was busy with something else. By the time they were hitting and spitting, it ¡°felt¡± to me like it had come out of nowhere, when in reality they had been asking in many different ways and slowly ramping up the volume of the requests. So, maybe looking for cues and paying attention earlier, also looking for things like hunger and fatigue that can exacerbate emotional responses. She might also be asking in ways that don¡¯t seem like asking to you, like playfully poking her dad, or a grumpy face, to indicate she doesn¡¯t like the seating arrangement.
I also found it very helpful to empathize and reflect when my kids were super angry. Reflecting, ¡°Wow, I can see how angry you are!¡± lets them know that you see them. It can be scary to feel out-of-control anger, so it¡¯s important to have someone let you know that it¡¯s OK, this is normal, it will pass soon, I¡¯m here with you. Validating is also important. Try to understand why she is so upset, then reflect that to her: ¡°It is SO frustrating when¡¡±.
It¡¯s also important for kids to have models of what healthy anger expression looks like. You mentioned that she is more emotionally expressive than the rest of your family, so she might not know what to do with her huge feelings. Anger can come with incredible energy that needs somewhere to go. It might help if you could be more open with your own process around anger, so she can see you being angry and what you do with it. In addition to the other helpful tips that were offered about what to do with anger, maybe have some crayons and paper for her to furiously scribble angry colors or playdough to angrily smoosh around. Also, grounding techniques might be helpful - i.e. holding ice, having different textures for her to feel, hide a stuffed animal she has to look for, etc.
When my kids were young and they were really angry, any attempt I made to control, calm, or soothe ended up backfiring and making them feel powerless, thus even more angry. What helped was when I ¡°joined them¡± and saw their anger and frustration and helped give it a voice and give them tools to move through it. Learning about emotional expression is messy and uncomfortable. Having the time and space for this is one of the best parts of unschooling.
Finally, orchestrate times for you and your son to spend time together. Schedule a regular time for your daughter to go to the park with her dad, or go to a playdate, or take her to a sitter to have a pedicure and special playtime. Make it a fun time that your daughter looks forward to, and lets your son know he can count on that regular time with you. If it¡¯s easier for your daughter, try having her stay home with a sitter or dad, while you and your son play chess at a local coffee shop, park, or library.
Also maybe try scheduling regular one-on-one time with your daughter, so you have a special date to do just what she wants, especially since she is feeling jealousy at this stage. Kids that age seem to need all of our attention all of the time. Showing them how special they are, while finding ways to soften the impact of the times we are unavailable, can be helpful.
I wish I could go back to when my kids were 4, with what I know now, but I¡¯m not sure I¡¯d have the energy! I kept learning and growing along the way, so did my kids, and now we¡¯re in a pretty sweet place.
Cara
