I’ve never felt like one of the “wise people who offer their thoughts” on here, but I have something to contribute to the discussion!

I have a 4 year old, a 7 year old, and an 11 year old.

I haven’t had quite the challenges you have with the hitting/spitting jealousy behaviour, but in general I’ve been finding that unless it matters to someone else, giving her what she wants is more pleasant for everyone than NOT giving her what she wants and then dealing with huge meltdown.?

Connecting it to your dinner example:

If my family sits down to eat dinner together (which is honestly somewhat rare, maybe a weekly thing), and our 4yo might have an issue with the seat arrangement based on past experience, here are some ideas I have :

- invite her to decide the seating arrangement

- if she announces she doesn’t want to sit next to daddy, I can say “well *I* definitely want to sit beside daddy, so can I trade with you? (Easier in a group of 5, I realize, than 4, since there is only one spot at your table that is not beside daddy).?

- feed her first then let her watch a show somewhere else while the rest of you eat.?

- invite her to eat somewhere else nearby (we have a counter with barstools, you might have a coffee table or something)

The other thing I might try if some of my child’s behaviours-when-upset were really not ok with me (E.g., the spitting is something I find personally quite gross) is to find a time when I have recently connected with her over a game or a show, and ask her about ways she shows me she is angry, maybe share that it’s not ever ok to spit on people or hit them, even if she’s really REALLY mad about something. And then make a list together of things she can do when she’s mad that are safe for everyone:

- shout “I’m so angry!”

- hit a pillow

- Stomp feet

- spit into a tissue

(Daniel Tiger has an episode and song about being so mad that you want to roar and taking a deep breath and counting to 4)

Then practice them while she’s not angry.?

Later, and for a little while after (weeks maybe), try as much as you can to anticipate the anger coming and be ready with a cushion for hitting, or a tissue for spitting in.?

In the moment, remind lovingly: “I can’t let you spit on daddy, here is a tissue for spitting”, etc.?

Hopefully this gives you some ideas. It sounds very stressful!

Kate