Re: Will you please help?
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***When I (as well as others)? have an idea or a suggestion, my son gets angry and says its ridiculous, or he will agree, and then do the opposite.*** Maybe don't make so many suggestions.??
***Thus, the tree incident
..he said we should go trim it, and i agreed.***
Maybe don't agree to let him do things that might have consequences that you can't live with.? If this was me, and it was important to me that the tree be trimmed in a certain way, I would say something like, "I want to make sure it's trimmed well.? We need that tree for erosion.? I think I'll hire an arborist."? Or something like that.? If there are things *you* want done a certain way, do them yourself.? Don't pretend to let him have choices when there really are none.? That would be frustrating for a lot of people.
***And on the garbage and the rats, he gets angry when i ask him to consider my concern and? come up with a solution.***
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Don't ask him to consider anything.? Do something to help *yourself* feel more comfortable with the situation.? Put a tight fitting lidded garbage bin out there, and let him know to put the garbage in there.??
***He then feels badly and says he does not know why he? didn't do that.***
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He didn't do it because it wasn't important to him.? It's not the end of the world.? Again, help him make putting the garbage somewhere an easier task.? Or take it out yourself when you see it getting full, so that he doesn't need to worry about it.? Take it out when it's half-full.? Shame is not healthy, especially about something so simple.
***What can i do differently so he can consider an idea that did not originate with him once in a while?*** ?
You can't make anyone consider anything.? That's out of your control.? The?ideas that he choses consider or not consider are entirely up to him.??
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Don't give him choices when there aren't any.? If *you* want something done a certain way, do it yourself.? It could?be that he feels frustrated because he feels a bit manipulated.? Teenagers are sensitive to that.? If you are leading him to believe that he has a choice, but really you want something done a certain way, when he doesn't agree with your way, he fails.? Then feels badly about the situation and, worse?still, himself.
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The best way I've personally found to open people up to other options is to be open to other options myself and honest when there other options aren't possible.?
If he wants to do the opposite of what you suggest, and it doesn't hurt anything, let him do it.? If whatever it is fails, let him reflect on why it failed without a lot of uninvited commentary.? As I mentioned in my last post, he's probably needing to assert himself.? He's still young.? He's still learning.? His prefrontal cortex (the decision making part of his brain) is still developing.? At this stage of his life he is influenced a lot on his amigdala (the emotional part of his brain). Because they look so mature, sometimes we expect more from teenagers than they are capable of doing or giving yet.? Give him time.? Show him patience and grace.? Be generous and understanding and supportive.? These things will go a long way toward helping him learn to make choices that consider other people, because he will come to have a deeper awareness of and confidence in being truly considered himself.
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Karen James
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Karen James