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........My question is, is there a way to stop the defensiveness from rising in me so quickly?? Does that improve with time, or is it something I need to "work on"--and if so, how?........... The feeling of wanting to defend is normal since by unschooling, one is challenging a Norm, that millions all over the world subscribe to without much doubt.? But when I read your story, I hear that you were already also equally aware that your MIL was trying to connect with her grand-daughter. Your MIL belongs to the Norm and therefore her point of references for connecting would naturally be school and school related stuff. It is a starting point for her and your daughter. From that point on the conversation could go anywhere. I feel, at that point if we could just pause, take a deep breath despite the defenses rising, wait to see where the connection goes, one might be surprised by life. I feel and I have done this in my journey, that pausing really helps for fear to be parked for a while and possibilities emerge that we might not have imagined. I think trusting the moment at the time like how you actually did with your awareness despite your defenses rising, helped you to see things differently and with love. By not actively giving action to your defense, you displayed compassion towards your MIL and also you did not start by challenging her, as, if she felt challenged then she might not like to enter your daughter's world again.? So yes, keep working on that awareness, would be my response to you. ? ......Or maybe it's normal?..... So yeah, it's normal. But then unschooling taught me to challenge 'normal' ways of communication which often make us act out of fear and defense. I think both a sense of defensiveness and a wilingness to not succumb to that can co-exist, when we pause more, breathe more, stay silent a little bit longer than usual.? I think both these when held with self-love, can inform each other on how one could act. Dola On Wed, 15 Dec 2021, 6:36 am Sandra Dodd, <[email protected]> wrote:
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