(sent for anonymous posting)

I’ve been reading—a LOT—at your site lately, with a heavy focus on happiness and peace.? I’m trying to keep my head up as my oldest (18) takes another tour through depression.? There have been so many quotes in different places where I have this vague “*that*—we don’t have THAT,” or “this isn’t happening over here…,” always in an ephemeral, can’t quite nail it down kind of way.? But today I read on the radical unschooling FB group a quote (from a few weeks back, from Jo Isaac, to a mom who wrote in):? “Is she happy?? Is she thriving?”? And I thought, THAT!? That’s it.? No.? No, he’s not.

So if I can pose a question to the Always Learning group (honestly, I might have asked before…..I know I’ve sought answers in various places over the years; I don’t THINK I’ve asked here):? How do you unschool a teen through depression?? When so little lights them up and interests them; when there’s so little they’re passionate about?? When I hear (repeatedly) how exercise will help, but I can’t force him to exercise?? (Or get outside in the sunshine—another example.)

We do still have a truly good relationship—I’m the soft spot for him to land in all this, and I’m grateful that he’s willing to open up to me and thankful I can be there for him through all the yuck.? But I want to do more to help than simply be a steadying presence (even if that is a good thing to be).? I want to help bring him back to enjoying life, if that’s possible.

Brief answers to potential questions: yes, he’s on meds; no, hasn’t seen a counselor in awhile (tho he used to); and there are two younger siblings who are thriving (which I sometimes think makes things worse, as he watches them have so much fun in their days).

Any thoughts?

________________ end of quote; reminder that it's another mom, not my own question _______________________

I thought there was another reply to this.

Also, I was hoping lots of you had current ideas about the particular problems of teens during covid closures and lock-downs.? Hoping for a pile of ideas.

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Here I am with no pile of ideas myself, but please, if you read this, and have ANY suggestions for the mom with the question, put them out here.

I've come across some writing by Caren Knox that involves depression, and levels, and layers, so I'm leaving a link.

It says sarcasm, and that's what brought the question up, but it's about positivity and mental health, and could by helpful.

There are some links on that page, too, to other ideas from other days, about depression and mental health (not just lack-of-mental-illness, but *health*).

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I don't know how teens are surviving months turning to years of a lack of availability of lots of other people their age.? MAYBE it would help to let them know that it is very normal and natural for people of that age to want to be with others like themselves, and let them know that you wish things were otherwise, and safer, and more open.? ?

Anything about stages of human development might be interesting to at least point at, and name—not as "a topic," or a unit, but maybe having a list on the kitchen table or taped in the bathroom, or just out, lightly available for a while.? Younger kids might be interested, too.? (If they're not, don't push it.)

or if you want to look at some graphic layouts of all that,?

There are also Piaget's, which are more about cognition and awareness (maybe) than about interpersonals.? Same ideas, different angle, perhaps.

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Sandra

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I think it was mine, and somehow I sent it wrong.?

When I saw this post come through I really hoped people would have replies, as my 14 year old has had what sounds like similar experiences.?

Hi,

There is a bit of fretfulness coming through in the original post.
It will help to notice and let go of any tautness or negativity. When I do that, I’m much more likely to be helpful to others than if I’m agitated myself.

We can’t ‘make’ it better for others, but we can help - starting with being well-centred and present ourselves. From there, we bring more openness, more warmth, creativity, more fun. We listen better, empathise better and understand better. It makes it easier for those around us to find their own peace and flow.

Sometimes, especially for teens, frustration or sorrow or other difficult emotions intensify in the absence of a really safe place for them to be seen and accepted. When parents provide a calm place of acceptance for kids, kids can find their emotions and circumstances much easier to accept and live with themselves.

My recommendation would be to live as calm and present as you can - let go of expectations, let go of getting caught up with fears, let go of thoughts of control - be your own calm, flowing self.
These links have lots of wonderful insights:



Debbie

All three of us (me, my husband, and our son) have lived with and through varying depression.? Our son's hasn't?been deep, but it was consistently present during the early part of his teens.? As a child, he always had very big expressions of emotion, whether that be sadness, frustration, or joy, so I did pay attention to his bout of melancholy, in case he needed extra help.? It did pass, thankfully.? He didn't need medication.? My husband said that he (himself) had some depression as a developing young man as well.?

The way we approached it with our son was to consistently let him know that we were there, that we loved him very much, that we understood what he was feeling, and that we supported whatever he needed.? We didn't try to fix him.? We did, however, try to bring as much joy, peripherally, into our home as we could (while trying not to be a nuisance).? It was a little stressful for me, truthfully, but I tried to keep that to?myself.

开云体育

I’m not sure I’m replying in the correct format, being on my phone, but I’d like to share a few things that have helped us.

Exercise and outdoors are great and helpful, but when in a funk, they require effort and energy that may not be there. I’ve actually been making conscious effort to do little things myself, the last week or so, because I can fall into a depression mindset. It always seems to be worse after sickness runs through our house.

I share that because your son may be able to get in front of it if he can start to recognize when it’s worse. My daughter has started keeping a lose journal to help her figure out what makes hers worse, but more importantly, what makes it better.

A few things that have helped are things that require little or no real effort/participation. I know these may not all be helpful to a teen boy, but we have a large family, and there are things that have unexpectedly brought one person joy even though it was intended for someone else.

Favorite music, playing in the background is so simple.
Grabbing a drink, for me it’s coffee, from Starbucks or soda from McDonalds.
Buy things to create your favorite drinks at home-bubble tea, coffees, shakes
Trying a new recipe (we eat, so might as well make it fun).
Sometimes we pick a country and try fun snacks from Amazon, drinks, recipes, crafts, etc from that country over a weekend. Don’t expect him to participate in prep unless it’s something he enjoys, but share with him.
Send cute or funny memes to each other.
Just *be* near him, without any expectations of interaction.
Open up the curtains to let as much natural light in as possible.
Grill out, even if it’s chilly.
Favorite movies
Have fresh flowers in a vase
Happiness journal-verbal, mental, or written. Try to think of 2-3 things each day that made you happy.
Stretching. Not a big yoga session, but just stretching where you are.
Light scented candles throughout the house.
Hang up some different old pics on the fridge.
Drink water, with or without fruit added to give it a twist.
Having Fitbits have helped us to see progress in things like activity, water consumption, and sleep patterns even if minimal. Make sure to set the device to realistic goals though, or it can have the opposite effect.

Depression is tough. Keep being his safe landing ?

Warmly,
Sadie Bugni

On Thu, Feb 10, 2022 at 11:59 AM, Regan wrote:

These links have lots of wonderful insights:

Thanks, Debbie!??

To anyone who clicked one of those links and thought "this page is a mess," you go there during the time I rushed in to "narrow" them.

For years I spread my pages out, one or two columns wide, like a California-King-sized bed.? Vlad has given me the code charms to make them work well for people only using phones, but each page needs its own clean-up and photo stabilizing and blah blahdy blah blah.? ?

They should both be clean and useful now, and I'm glad Debbie thought of them and brought them.

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Sandra

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"These links have lots of wonderful insights: "

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(If this doesn't look like Sandra Dodd's e-mail, it is one.? "AElflaed" is my medieval-studies/SCA name.)

Sadie Bugni, this is sweet:

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"Depression is tough. Keep being his safe landing??"

Thanks to all who have brought ideas, and I hope others will, too.? There were lots of good ones.

A few thoughts came to me that were suggested by comments above, or that reminded me somehow:

Hearing happy sounds outside can be good.? If the other kids are happy, and the mom is singing or humming or joking or laughing, and if I were in a dark room brooding, it would make me feel better.? ?Don't think that just because the person doesn't pop out and join in the revelry that it wasn't brightening his periphery.

Also, though this topic isn't as commonly "out there" as it used to be, for the mom:? Maybe read up on or review the symptoms of and problems with co-dependency.? If you have any ideas that you shouldn't be happy unless your oldest child there is also happy, step out of that little dark cloud!? The other kids need you.

Also, don't blame a depressed or reluctant kid for bringing down the mood.? Trees cast shade, but they're easy to live under, with and around. :-)? Sometimes the shade is wonderful.??

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The big dark covid cloud is doing physical and psychic damage, but just like with anything else, the choices I make in the moment don't change covid, but they change my husband's life, and mine, my cats' lives sometimes.? My grown kids' lives a bit, and my grandkids' lives some!? ??

Nobody can fix everything, but anyone make a moment better for someone (or a cat, maybe).

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Sandra

-“Also, don't blame a depressed or reluctant kid for bringing down the mood.”-

This is super important! I have 2 teens that became very sick as younger teens which caused depression in both. Even to this day, years later, they both feel guilt for possibly holding us back from doing things because they physically and mentally couldn’t. We went out of our way to make sure they knew we didn’t feel that way and they still felt it.

Sadie Bugni

From the anonymous mom who sent the questions in the first place—FEEDBACK, updates and thanks

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I'm in New Mexico, where a lot of teens drive early—at 15 or 16.? Early compared to some other places.

IF the oldest is a driver, and willing to get out, maybe errands would help.? He'd still be alone, but would be doing something useful and mature.? "We need milk and cat food," or "Could you go and get chicken nuggets and fries, enough for all of us?" or whatever might work.? [Apologies to vegans for all the milk and chicken nugget thoughts that come normally to me.]

That's distraction, but it's also a way to kind of... throw the dice again; to reset the relative positions of all the people involved.?

If you could find a few very adult things like that, for him to do, don't forget to do some sweet-to-inner-child things too, though.? Favorite snack in a monkey-platter delivery, or a new water bottle with a color or texture or art you think he'd like.? Ice water in it.? A t-shirt with a game or cartoon character he loved when he was nine years old.

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The ice water and textured bottle idea, and the changing up of who's in the house, seem to be coming (for me)? from the sort of routine-breaking differences that have helped me de-funk or cheer up when I felt I was sinking into a routine of "life is wrong" thoughts and increasing inactivity.? Sometimes what gets my own attention is something new and different to play with—in my hands.? ?Sometimes I found something, but sometimes someone happened to give me something or bring something over, that had a texture worth feeling or touching, or my granddaughter made slime and I played with her, with it.? Or the cat had a sticker, and I ended up checking the whole cat which turned into a kitty massage session that soothed the cat and me both.

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Somewhere there was a meme going around that handcrafts or needlework specifically maybe was really good therapy.? Maybe more for women than men, or maybe not.??

If money isn't too tight, maybe something like new towels in the bathroom he uses—fluffier, colorful (or really white, if that's his personality, to have clinically sanitary stuff/colors).? A new pillow (but don't take away his old one), or blanket (ditto on the old one).

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Not all of that at once, but the thing could serve as distraction and physically calming.... something I don't know the words for.

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Sandra

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(If this doesn't look like Sandra Dodd's e-mail, it is one.? "AElflaed" is my medieval-studies/SCA name.)

I really love all the little things Sadie listed.
I try to do those with my daughter that has depression and anxiety.
You added even more things for me to pay attention to!

Long story short, she was unschooled until 7th grade and then decided to go to school.
She would be in 10th grade now and just came back home so she is now decompressing from all the school dynamics and pressures.
Deschooling for the first time!
The last 3 years have been hard specially the last one and a half after The pandemic started.

She just turned 16 and she tells me often if she did not have such an awesome mom like me she would have already killed herself.

Keeping her fed has always been a struggle. If she gets hungry she can melt down quick. She rarely eats any meat and does not like things like peanut butter so keeping her protein intake to help with mood changes sometimes takes me being very proactive.

We have tried two therapist for months but she has not really opened up to either. We are going to look for another.

She did a study at Mayo Clinic for Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation for teens and that helped with the depression but not anxiety . The depression now is back very strong a year later.
I am just so so thankful she decided to come home because the anxiety cause by school, because she is a high achiever , was tremendous and just pushed her down so much.

We have a great and very open communication.
Having said that I try not to focus too much on the downs and try to make her life Less stressful, lighter, brighter, with more laughs abs joy, and supporting interests she has.

Remember that depression , if not situational, is mostly a chemical imbalance in the brain.
The difference is that with unschooling , and having a partnership with your child, you can make their environment at home better.
More kindness towards them, less pressures can help anyone already feeling depressed.

I also share what works for me and we talk about finding ways to cope.

I am going to ramble now. I have not written in years.
I hope it helps. This is a great thread for me.

Alex P

Saw this and thought of this topic, and of all mothers of teen boys, past present and future.

I had linked this from my page called Mental Health.? It said? ? ??

Dealing with others' depression??

That link goes right back to the mental health page, and though some of the links are too close together on a phone, and it might not be as well formatted for phones as it might be in the future....? ?if you need it, use a computer.??

There are ideas from lots of unschoolers, and some outside sources, about mental health (happy, robust, actual HEALTH) and about depression.

I invite and remind all of you to spend some time following topics and links on my site, or from and within Just Add Light and Stir, to keep yourself up top and bright, if you need any help.

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Today in an e-mail from someone I know personally, an unschooler far from me, though, something worth sharing:

Unschooling, and really understanding it, changed all of our lives so profoundly in so many ways. It's so, so much more than a way of home educating children and I think, until you understand that, you will never really get it. It's a philosophy for life that has stayed with me in my work, as a manager, as a lecturer, as a friend...everything. So thank you!

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