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Re: Will you please help?

 

Teenagers seem to need to assert their place in the World.? Sometimes that looks like rejection to parents.? It's not.? Remembering that helped me navigate those couple of trickier years when Ethan seemed to need to contradict almost everything I said or did.? Instead of seeing it as him rejecting me or my ideas, I came to see our?interactions as an opportunity to support him learning to assert himself with someone he trusted.? Who better to do that with??

What did that look like?

When he made an argument for something, if I could, I incorporated his ideas into whatever the plan was, even when I didn't agree with it.? If it didn't hurt anything, I did my best to make it work.? If it didn't work out, I didn't say, "I told you so."? I let him come to his own conclusions, which he normally did with humility and a greater understanding of whatever it was.

When he argued with me, I learned to see it not so much as conflict, but as an opportunity for him to make his point heard.? I wrote about that here:


I admit it was hard for me, but I gave him space.? I recognized that he was growing up and he needed to redefine his relationship with me.? I made room for him to do that.? I trusted that he would find something that worked well for him.? I trusted that I could make it work well for me too.? I have often said that I believe reincarnation is for the living.? I, personally, have lived many lives within this one life I've been given.? I've been so fortunate to have had the freedom to grow and change and be who I needed to be at each stage of my life.? Some of the Me's I've liked better than others.? ;)? I've learned a little something from each one.? I look forward to meeting more.

Our kids need room to explore who they are in each phase of their lives too.? More and more, as the years pass, we come to understand that they are very much their?own people.? When we see them and support them all along the way, they grow with confidence and with a clearer sense of where they want to go next.? That we get to play such an influential role in that growth is a true privilege and gift.? I find it helps to remember that too.

What do you want your son to remember about this time in his life?? Maybe a failed wall will nurture?a brilliant engineer.? Maybe a poorly trimmed tree will aid in the learning of a budding botanist.? Maybe a healthy, fruitful debate with the person most important in his life will foster a caring, compassionate husband/father/friend years down the road. Keep your vision on the horizon.? Sometimes it helps to think about where you want to go, when you are trying to navigate where you are in any?moment.

Oh, and I agree with Sandra!? Put a lidded bin on the balcony for him.? It won't last forever.? You can remove it when he's gone.? Make it easier for him to succeed when you can.

Karen James??

On Thu, Aug 25, 2022 at 11:48 AM Sandra Dodd <aelflaed@...> wrote:

M Person the original poster sent this, in some side correspondence, for further help.? If anyone reading has ideas,? please respond!

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?I am very concerned that? **I am adversely affecting the once healthy relationship my son and I have had. ( I state that well aware that he is and is continuing to develop into his own special individual, separate from the "us")---
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Based on my own thoughts and reading yours, i respond to my son by being energetic and positive of his wants and his ideas. The "however" is that he does not respond in kind.? ---
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I can share examples, but please know these exchanges are not isolated incidents, literally quite the opposite.---
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We are weeding and cutting away dead branches and cleaning around our fruit trees. (As an aside, I am noting that you had mentioned to me about the incorrect use of "we"? and i am stating "we" and "our" , thinking it is accurate...your thoughts, if you do not mind?)---
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Before my son and I go outside, we discuss why the non fruit? trees are there and the purpose they serve because of erosion concerns. We agree that soon we can take them out like he wants and replace with fruit trees. He and I agree and then he? asks if he can trim one...but he then proceeds to cut the whole tree.(without even informing me, much less considering the concerns) This has occurred more than once, my son explaining that either he forgot or he thinks it looks better without the tree.---
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One other example..My son and i have volunteered and worked at a farmers market...this includes unloading the truck, setting up, selling, packing up, and loading. As my son had gotten older, he and I? really enjoy seeing how strong and capable he is. He likes seeing how much he can load and unload---
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Two weeks ago,? I had a customer who wanted to see more peaches, even though we had alot out.. I asked my son if he could get another tub from the truck. He told me no, because he does not like it when i am "too nice" to? customers.---
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Later, we discussed this. One of the points I made was specific to me...It was important to me, and I would appreciate? his cooperation sometimes.? He said that since I always say yes to him, he could think of it as doing something that i wanted. And as he often says..." I promise next time I will"---
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Ironically, the next week something very similar happened, and this time in front of the customer, he refused to get a tub from the truck. I asked him later about his promise, and he said. ."I didn't know you were going to do the same ridiculous thing again"---
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A few points...
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*There is alot of work to do around the house, and he and i have a plan. However, it has been challenging to move forward, because if I have an opinion or something i want to offer, he becomes upset and basically just proceeds doing it as he wants. My reactions have been to ask him to stop so we can look at our options or to have to tell him to stop or to walk away. None of them are ideal.?
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*My son really wants to fix up the house. He wants us to have a 4th of July party next year, so that has been our goal. Yet, it is challenging to go forward when if i? offer a thought or wish, my son gets angry, says how stupid it would be, or agrees and then changes his mind without communicating that.
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*He wants us to work together. He likes us to do things together. (Of course, that means we listen to the radio station he wants, we go where he wants, we do it the way he wants)
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*He wants to especially because he wants us to keep working on the house, and i have explained that it is not a good idea/we can not continue? to work on the house when we cannot find a way to cooperate.)??
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He will feel upset later,? and??he says that he does not mean what he says when he is mad, and when we talk about it, he says he does not know why he acts the way he does.?
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Sandra, i recognize how verbose this is, so please allow me to try to succinctly state my problem...in my opinion, my son and I are only in agreement when it is something he wants or thinks. When it is something i am saying, he disagrees and argues that it doesn't make any sense.?

-------------end of the quote from M Person
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